The Resolutions

Since the Artist was a boy, he’s been resolving things, even back to his mother’s womb.

It was clearly the case that he was too far gone from the start to make any sense of his existence without starting each new year on a new foot.

His dad named Henry helped a lot.

He told him if he studied the animals around him, he’d be wiser than if he didn’t.

“Each one has been encoded with a message to keep you out of trouble,” his dad said.

“Really?” he asked his father.

“Even cats?”

“Even chickens?”

“All of them,” his dad explained.

So included with his personal 71 New Year Resolutions, the Artist has thrown in some drawings of various animals that have sent him into fits of laughter and fevers of cogitation over the length of his days.

2023

Since I can change the whole world by myself,

better get started!

2022

Get out of your box!

2021

If you fall down, don't get back up - stay there and rest awhile!

2020

When in doubt, use red!

2019

Sink your feet into your boots;

Sink your boots into your roots.

2018

Start to scowl, and make it look real.

Nullifidian, also known as Resistance, deserves nothing more.

2017

From the dark cloud, FATE warns the ARTIST,

"BEWARE OF THE STORM!"

And the ARTIST answers,

"I AM THE STORM."

2016

Pretend I am a chicken and hatch my own eggs.

2015

Bark like a big dog or get off the front porch.

2014

Forget reloading – time for the bayonet.

2013

Just Gun It.

2012

Remember “Tombstone”

– if you are going to wink, don’t blink.

2011

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

2010

Do not go into public without your psychiatric nurse.

2009

If the chocolate fits, wear it.

2008
[age 60]

Add gunpowder to your pigment.

2007

Don’t forget when you get up in the morning to sharpen your tongue.

2006

In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
In matters of style, swim with the current.

2005

No Gut, No Glory…No Pain, No Pain.

2004

Piss off a priest just for the hell of it.

2003

Put on gloves, raise a black flag, and start slitting throats.

2002

It is madness to see life as it is rather than what it ought to be.

(Cervantes)

2001

Take no crap

2000

Make no crap

1998

[age 50]

If it’s not broken, break it.

1997
Look reality in the eye and deny it.

1996

Swing hard…in case I hit something.

1995

Shoot first…and call whatever I hit my target.

1994

Don’t double cross a bridge when you come to one.

1993

Find a lawyer to protect me.

1992

Annoy somebody.

1991

It is a crime not to be judgemental –
If somebody is a moron like Mao, Stalin, or Picasso, say so!

1990

Never forsake the sword.

1989

Never forsake beauty.

1987

Pay attention for once.

1986

Speak up or sit down.

1985

Argue with a Baptist.

1984

Stop depressing other mental patients.

1983

Experience the common wonder of a wasted youth.

1982

There is no shame in chronic alienation.

1981

Knock a thing down if it is cocked at an arrogant angle.

1980

If you can refrain from writing, do so.

1979

Never practice freedom of speech.

1978
[age 30]

Never make a complicated ignorant move

when you could make a regular uncomplicated stupid one.

1977

Stir up the animals.

1976

Applaud the implementation of the teachings of Christ,

even by Christians.

1975

Never be on time…it is a sign of boredom.

1974

Run over a Democrat as a public service.

1973

Forget being nice so as to discourage human contact.

1972

Never trust someone who wears tennis shoes with jeans.

1971

Never read Macbeth.

1970

Shoot Ted Kennedy.

1969

Never learn chess.

1968
[age 20]

Quit Sunday school.

1967

Don’t blend in anywhere.

1966

Professors are like eunuchs in a harem:
They know how it’s done,
They’ve seen it done every day,
But they’re unable to do it themselves.
So watch the hell out.

1965

Everything fun is sooner or later going to be ruined by people from California.

1964

Follow Joan of Arc and vote for Barry Goldwater.

1963

There is such a thing as too much church;
it is associated with the vice of sermon-listening.

1962

Stand still and look stupid – why should only girls do it?