Since the Artist was a boy, he’s been resolving things, even back to his mother’s womb.
It was clearly the case that he was too far gone from the start to make any sense of his existence without starting each new year on a new foot.
His dad named Henry helped a lot.
He told him if he studied the animals around him, he’d be wiser than if he didn’t.
“Each one has been encoded with a message to keep you out of trouble,” his dad said.
“Really?” he asked his father.
“All of them,” his dad explained.
So included with his personal 71 New Year Resolutions, the Artist has thrown in some drawings of various animals that have sent him into fits of laughter and fevers of cogitation over the length of his days.
When in doubt, use red!
Sink your feet into your boots;
Sink your boots into your roots.
Start to scowl, and make it look real.
Nullifidian, also known as Resistance, deserves nothing more.
From the dark cloud, FATE warns the ARTIST,
"BEWARE OF THE STORM!"
And the ARTIST answers,
"I AM THE STORM."
Pretend I am a chicken and hatch my own eggs.
Bark like a big dog or get off the front porch.
Forget reloading – time for the bayonet.
Just Gun It.
– if you are going to wink, don’t blink.
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
Do not go into public without your psychiatric nurse.
If the chocolate fits, wear it.
Add gunpowder to your pigment.
Don’t forget when you get up in the morning to sharpen your tongue.
In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
In matters of style, swim with the current.
No Gut, No Glory…No Pain, No Pain.
Piss off a priest just for the hell of it.
Put on gloves, raise a black flag, and start slitting throats.
It is madness to see life as it is rather than what it ought to be.
Take no crap
Make no crap
If it’s not broken, break it.
Look reality in the eye and deny it.
Swing hard…in case I hit something.
Shoot first…and call whatever I hit my target.
Don’t double cross a bridge when you come to one.
Find a lawyer to protect me.
It is a crime not to be judgemental –
If somebody is a moron like Mao, Stalin, or Picasso, say so!
Never forsake the sword.
Never forsake beauty.
Pay attention for once.
Speak up or sit down.
Argue with a Baptist.
Stop depressing other mental patients.
Experience the common wonder of a wasted youth.
There is no shame in chronic alienation.
Knock a thing down if it is cocked at an arrogant angle.
If you can refrain from writing, do so.
Never practice freedom of speech.
Never make a complicated ignorant move
when you could make a regular uncomplicated stupid one.
Stir up the animals.
Applaud the implementation of the teachings of Christ,
even by Christians.
Never be on time…it is a sign of boredom.
Run over a Democrat as a public service.
Forget being nice so as to discourage human contact.
Never trust someone who wears tennis shoes with jeans.
Never read Macbeth.
Shoot Ted Kennedy.
Never learn chess.
Quit Sunday school.
Don’t blend in anywhere.
Professors are like eunuchs in a harem:
They know how it’s done,
They’ve seen it done every day,
But they’re unable to do it themselves.
So watch the hell out.
Everything fun is sooner or later going to be ruined by people from California.
Follow Joan of Arc and vote for Barry Goldwater.
There is such a thing as too much church;
it is associated with the vice of sermon-listening.
Stand still and look stupid – why should only girls do it?
Go fast, but not in Juarez.
Yes, yes, pop the damned clutch.
Learn to cuss in color.
Shoot more crawdads.
Study irrigation water.
Don’t ask dad.
Don’t ask mom.
Forget your sister.
Just say no.
Learn to run away, but make a sandwich first.
Pretend you were born deaf.