The Resolutions

Since the Artist was a boy, he’s been resolving things, even back to his mother’s womb.

It was clearly the case that he was too far gone from the start to make any sense of his existence without starting each new year on a new foot.

His dad named Henry helped a lot.

He told him if he studied the animals around him, he’d be wiser than if he didn’t.

“Each one has been encoded with a message to keep you out of trouble,” his dad said.

“Really?” he asked his father.

“Even cats?”

“Even chickens?”

“All of them,” his dad explained.

So included with his personal 71 New Year Resolutions, the Artist has thrown in some drawings of various animals that have sent him into fits of laughter and fevers of cogitation over the length of his days.

2020

When in doubt, use red!

2019


Sink your feet into your boots;

Sink your boots into your roots.

2018


Start to scowl, and make it look real.

Nullifidian, also known as Resistance, deserves nothing more.

2017

From the dark cloud, FATE warns the ARTIST,

"BEWARE OF THE STORM!"​

And the ARTIST answers,

"I AM THE STORM."

2016


Pretend I am a chicken and hatch my own eggs.

2015


Bark like a big dog or get off the front porch.

2014


Forget reloading – time for the bayonet.

 


2013


Just Gun It.

 



2012


Remember “Tombstone”

– if you are going to wink, don’t blink.

 


2011


If you’re going through hell, keep going.

 


2010


Do not go into public without your psychiatric nurse.

2009


If the chocolate fits, wear it.
 

 

 


 
2008
[age 60]


Add gunpowder to your pigment.

2007


Don’t forget when you get up in the morning to sharpen your tongue.

2006


In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
In matters of style, swim with the current.


 


2005


No Gut, No Glory…No Pain, No Pain.

 

 


2004


Piss off a priest just for the hell of it.

 

 


2003


Put on gloves, raise a black flag, and start slitting throats.

 

2002

It is madness to see life as it is rather than what it ought to be.

(Cervantes)

2001

Take no crap

2000

Make no crap

1998

[age 50]


If it’s not broken, break it.

 


1997
Look reality in the eye and deny it.

1996


Swing hard…in case I hit something.

 


1995


Shoot first…and call whatever I hit my target.

 


1994


Don’t double cross a bridge when you come to one.

 


1993


Find a lawyer to protect me.

1992


Annoy somebody.

1991


It is a crime not to be judgemental –
If somebody is a moron like Mao, Stalin, or Picasso, say so!

 


1990


Never forsake the sword.

1989


Never forsake beauty.

1987


Pay attention for once.

 



1986


Speak up or sit down.
 


 

1985


Argue with a Baptist.

1984


Stop depressing other mental patients.

1983


Experience the common wonder of a wasted youth.



1982


There is no shame in chronic alienation.



 
1981


Knock a thing down if it is cocked at an arrogant angle.

1980


If you can refrain from writing, do so.

 

 


1979


Never practice freedom of speech.
 

 


 
1978
[age 30]


Never make a complicated ignorant move

when you could make a regular uncomplicated stupid one.

 

 


1977


Stir up the animals.

1976


Applaud the implementation of the teachings of Christ,

even by Christians.

 


1975


Never be on time…it is a sign of boredom.

 


1974


Run over a Democrat as a public service.

1973


Forget being nice so as to discourage human contact.
 

 


1972


Never trust someone who wears tennis shoes with jeans.
 

 


1971


Never read Macbeth.

 

 

 



1970


Shoot Ted Kennedy.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


1969


Never learn chess.
 

 

 


1968
[age 20]


Quit Sunday school.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


1967


Don’t blend in anywhere.

 

1966


Professors are like eunuchs in a harem:
They know how it’s done,
They’ve seen it done every day,
But they’re unable to do it themselves.
So watch the hell out.

 

 

 


1965


Everything fun is sooner or later going to be ruined by people from California.

 

 

 


1964


Follow Joan of Arc and vote for Barry Goldwater.
 

 

 


1963


There is such a thing as too much church;
it is associated with the vice of sermon-listening.

 

 

 

 


1962


Stand still and look stupid – why should only girls do it?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


1961


Ban golf.
 

 

 

 


1960


Go fast, but not in Juarez.

 

 

 


1959


Yes, yes, pop the damned clutch.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

1958
[age 10]


Learn to cuss in color.
 

1957


Shoot more crawdads.


 

1956


Study irrigation water.
 

 

 


1955


Don’t ask dad.
 

1954


Don’t ask mom.

 

 


1953


Forget your sister.

 

 

 


1952


Just say no.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

1951


Learn to run away, but make a sandwich first.
 

 

 

 

1950


Pretend you were born deaf.